How Bakura Stole Christmas
by AppleCiderVinegar
Summary: Title says it all. A parody of Dr. Seuss' "How The Grinch Stole Christmas."


Every human

Down in Domino

Liked Christmas a lot....

But Bakura,

Who lived just north of Domino,

Did NOT!

Bakura _hated_ Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. I don't quite know the reason.

It _could_ be that his hair was poking his brain,

Or maybe, perhaps, he was simply insane.

But I think that the likeliest reason of all

Was just that his heart was all dried up and small.

But,

Whatever the reason behind all his fumin',

He stood there on Christmas Eve hating the humans.

Leering down from his cave with a grim, bitchy frown

At the warm lighted windows below in their town.

"I'm freezing my ass off! It's frigid up here!"

Bakura shivered, lips curled in a sneer.

For he knew every human in Domino beneath

Was busy now hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their socks up!" he snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow is Christmas! Damn, it's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his thieves' fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!"

For,

Tomorrow, he knew...

...All the small human brats

Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their stash!

And _then!_ Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's _one_ thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then all the dumb humans would get ready to eat.

And they'd eat! _And they'd eat!_

And they'd EAT!

EAT!

EAT!

EAT!

They'd founder on pudding, on ham they would feast

Which was something Bakura could not stand in the least!

And THEN

They'd do something

He liked least of all!

Every human in Domino, be they tallish or small,

Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.

They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the humans would sing!

They'd sing! _And they'd sing!_

AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more Bakura thought of the songs that they'd sing,

The more Bakura thought, "I must stop this whole thing!

"Why for 2000 years I've put up with it now!

"I MUST stop this hoopla from coming!

..._But HOW?"_

Then he got an idea!

_An awful idea!_

BAKURA

GOT A WONDERFULLY AWFUL IDEA!

"I know _just_ what to do!" Bakura laughed in his throat

As he made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat.

And he chuckled and crowed, "What an incredible trick!

"A bit of disguise, and I look like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."

Bakura glanced 'round.

But, since reindeer aren't common, all he saw was the ground.

Did that stop sly Bakura...?

No! Bakura simply said,

"If I can't _find_ a reindeer, I'll _make_ one instead!"

So he called his bitch, Marik. Then he took some red thread

And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

**_You're a mean one, Mr. Thief._**

**_You really are a heel._**

**_You're as cuddly as a cactus,_**

**_And as charming as an eel, Mr. Thief!_**

**_You're a rotten banana with a_**

**_GREASY BLACK PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!_**

**_You're a monster, Mr. Thief._**

**_Your heart's an empty hole!_**

**_Your brain is full of spiders,_**

**_You have garlic in your soul, Mr. Thief!_**

**_I wouldn't touch you with a 39 ½ foot pole!_**

**_You're a vile one, Mr. Thief._**

**_You have termites in your smile._**

**_You have all the tender sweetness_**

**_Of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Thief!_**

**_Given the choice between you,_**

**_I'd take the seasick crocodile!_**

THEN

He gathered some bags

And some empty old sacks

On a ramshackle sleigh

And he hitched up old Marik.

Then Bakura said, "Get going!"

And the sleigh began down

Toward where the humans

Lay snoozin' in their town.

Every window was dark, every human in bed

With sweet dreams of candy canes drifting in their heads.

When he came to the first house decked in red.

"Everyone off! We're finally here!" Bakura Claus hissed

And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimbley, a rather tight spot

But if Santa could do it, then so could Bakura.

He did get stuck once, for a moment or two.

Then his white hair poked out from the fireplace flue

Where the lil human stockings hung all in a row.

"MWAHAHA!!" He laughed, "These things have to go!"

And he slithered and slunk, with a grin most unnerving,

He took every gift; even those from Aunt Irving!

Pop guns, bicycles, roller skates, drums!

Chess pieces, tricycles, popcorn and plums!

And he crammed them in sacks, then Bakura, very nimbly,

Stuffed all the sacks, one by one, up the chimbley!

Then he slunk to the icebox. (CRASH "Slunk!") He took the whole feast!

He took all the pudding! He took the ham for their feast!

He cleaned out that icebox, quick as a wink.

And Bakura washed off his hands in the sink.

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" Smirked Bakura, "To stuff up the tree!"

Bakura grabbed the tree, and he started to shove

When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw little Ryou!

Little Ryou Bakura, born September 2.

Bakura'd been caught by this sweet teenage boy,

Who'd gotten up, having been woke by the noise.

He stared at Bakura and said, "Santa Claus, why,

"Why are you taking the Christmas tree? Why?"

But you know, old Bakura was so smart and so slick

That he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my dear little light," The fake Santa Claus lied,

"There's an ornament here that is broke on one side.

"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.

"I'll fix it up _there_. Then I'll bring it back _here."_

And his lie fooled Ryou. Then he patted his head

And he got him some earplugs, and sent him back to bed.

And when Ryou was in bed sound asleep,

Bakura went to chimney and stuffed the tree up!

And the last thing he stole

Was the Christmas Yule Log!

Then he went up the chimney as well, the old dog.

It seemed everything disappeared like the fog.

And the only thing edible left under the mat

Was a niblet way far too small for a rat.

Every human house was now under invasion

The bare walls stood reminder of a steal most amazin.

Just before daybreak,

The humans still sleeping,

Unready to wake

When Bakura prepared his sled

With the humans' packages! Ribbons! Wrappings! Trimmings and trappings!

1200 feet up! Up the side of the mountain,

he rode to the tippety-tip-top to spill it like a fountain!

"Woo-hoo!" He then cheered.

"They shall realize now who holds all the cards.

"They'll look to the sky for a minute or two,

"Then every last human will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"I'm sure that this sight will be quite a show."

And he then ignored Marik, who ate some yellow snow.

Bakura shook his head, then he put a hand to his ear

And he noticed a sound almost too soft to hear.

But this wasn't depressing!

It was really quite merry!

This couldn't be right!

But it was merry! VERY!

Bakura stared down

Into Domino town!

Then he shook once again!

What an effing surprise!

Every human in Domino,

Tallish AND small,

Were SINGING! Without any presents at all!

Bakura had failed to stop Christmas from coming!

IT CAME!

One way or another, it came just the same!

And Bakura, his feet in cold shoes that were tight,

Stood wondering and wondering: "This cannot be right!

"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!

"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

And he wondered and wondered, til his wonderer was sore.

Then Bakura thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he mused, "_doesn't_ come from a store.

"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

Then he felt an odd pounding,

Resounding in his chest.

And he fell to the snow, clutching his breast.

With every strong beat,

Bakura cried out!

"Ow ow OW ow!"

Then the beating subsided,

A light filled his eyes.

And he said with a smile "I feel all...toasty inside."

And what happened next...?

Well, in Domino they say

That Bakura's small heart grew ten sizes that day!

Then he felt the mountain shift,

As the rear of the sleigh from the ground did lift!

And he dove for the sleigh, and started trying to pull

The sleigh back to stable ground.

And as Bakura was just about to give up,

He heard a voice from the sleigh and looked up!

It was little Ryou, who had followed Bakura to the mountain!

"That boy's life is in danger! And I actually care!"

"RYOU! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING UP THERE!?"

"I came to see you!" The teenager called down.

"I didn't want you to be blue on Christmas!"

At Ryou's kind words, Bakura found new strength

And he ground in his heels,

And he picked up the sleigh!

"You did it!" Little Ryou did cry,

as he was hoisted so high

that he almost could touch the sky!

"I've got you, Ryou!" Bakura turned around,

and skied behind the sleigh as it started down!

Ryou laughed as he steered the sleigh,

Until Bakura crashed onto the front of the sleigh.

"Are you alright?" Ryou asked.

"Are you kidding? It's Christmas!" Bakura laughed as he jumped beside Ryou.

"Now scootch your butt over! It's my turn to drive!"

And then they, with Marik, whizzed through the morn's light

And brought back every toy,

Bringing the humans great joy!

And that night, at the feast, sitting with the humans,

Bakura himself carved the ham for the feast!

And when it came time for the humans to sing,

Bakura was there, singing rather off key!


End file.
